| /home/
/about parental advisory/
/random pics/
/new stuff/
/contact me/
/links/
/manga/
/manga pics/
/mtb trials/
/skateboarding/
/sk8in pics/
/sk8in pics/
/guest book/
/random shit/
/.gifs/
|
|
|
Here there are some funny stories and things like that.
New on this page: Everything as its just been setup.
If the stuff on my web page offends you, its quite simple really either don't look at it or piss off.
|
|
|
Jack Schitt and redneck drivers application
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in adual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. Herecently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Family History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
Southern-Redneck Driver's License Application
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate
box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
|
|
|
Microsoft anouncement
MICROSOFT ANNOUNCEMENT
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie
version of
Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle.
If you
have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help
understanding the
commands. The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the
loading
screen. It reads Windiz 98 with a background picture of a Brown Ale
bottle
superimposed on a photo of the Tyne.
Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya shite'
Dialup Networking is called 'Me mates'
Control Panel is known as 'How te fuck aboot wi the settins'
The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'
Other Features:
OK = it's alreet
cancel = fuck that
yes = aye
no= nee fuckin' chance
find = gan gerit ya fucking sel'
goto = owa there
stop = divvent move
start = hadaway and shite
settings = settins
programs = stuff that dis stuff
personal folder = me shite
Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
cullarin book = a graphics package
addin masheen = calculator
tunes = CD player
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchas = a graphics viewer
dole money = accounting software
toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Brown Ale
tax records = usually an empty file
Kappa tracksuit inventory = usually a 5 meg file
We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of
the
Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.
|
 |
Great jokes
Condoms
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or
sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would
probably advertise more openly.
Just a few examples ....
> Nike Condoms : - Just do it.
> Peugeot Condoms : - The ride of your life.
> Sony Condoms : - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
> Microsoft Condoms : - Where do you want to go today?
> KFC Condoms : - Finger Licking Good.
> M&Ms Condoms : - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
> Safeway Condoms : - Lightening the Load
> Abbey National Condoms : - Because life's complicated enough
> Coca Cola Condoms : - The Real Thing.
> Ever Ready Condoms : - Keep going and going ....
> ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger
> Macintosh Condoms : - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
> Pringles Condoms : - Once you pop, you can't stop.
> Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper.
> Goodyear Condoms : "For a longer ride go wide"
> FCUK condoms - no comment required !
> Vauxhall condoms - Raising the Standard !
> Philips Condoms - Let's make things better !
> BT condoms - Stay in touch !
> Halfords Condoms - We go the extra mile !
> ON digital condoms - Plug and Play !!! >>
Are us consumers really that stupid???
> On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
> - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
>
> On a blanket from Taiwan
> - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
>
> On a Taiwanese shampoo
> - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
>
> On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
> - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
>
> On a New Zealand insect spray
> - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
>
> In a US guide to setting up a new computer
> - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM
TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the
box.)
>
> In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
> - OPEN OTHER END.
>
> On a Sears hairdryer
> - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
>
> On a bag of Fritos
> - YOU COULD BE A WINNER!NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.(The
shoplifter special!)
>
> On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS
> - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners
> - SERVING SUGGESTION - DEFROST. (But it's justa suggestion!)
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
> - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late!You lose!)
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
> - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure?Let's experiment.)
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron
> - DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
>
> On Boot's Children's cough medicine
> - DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off
the fork lifts.)
>
> On Nytol sleep aid
> - WARNING - MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (One would hope!)
>
> On a Korean kitchen knife
> - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what
to do with my kids?)
>
> On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
> - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
>
> On a Japanese food processor
> - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
>
> On Sainsbury's peanuts
> - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really?)
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts
> - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw
> - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
> (What is this, a home castration kit?)
>
> On a child's superman costume
> - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
> (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
> in a french porta loo
> - PLEASE USE TOILET, NOT FLOOR>>
Things u can do in a lift / elevator :
1. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
2. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
3. Crack open your briefcase or your purse, and while peering inside,
ask: "got enough air in there?"
4. stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
5. When arriving at your floor, strain to prise the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
6. Greet everyone on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
7. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft, go "plink" at the
bottom.
8. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I've got new socks on!"
9. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "oh no, not
now - not the motion sickness!"
10. Bet the other passengers you can fit a coin in your nose.
11. Look worried and wail: "I've got to go, I've got to go, I need to
pee......." then sigh and say: "oops."
12. Stare at another passenger for a while and then announce: "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
13. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other passengers.
14. Start a sing-along.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "is that your
beeper?"
16. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
others in the lift, that this is your 'personal space'.
17. Announce in ademonic voice: "I must find another host body".
18. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
19. While the doors are opening, whisper hurriedly, "hide it .....quick!"
and then whistle innocently.
20. Look gently in your bag and say: "Don't move anybody, I think my
tarantula has escaped again."
New alcoholic legeslation passed
Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers
have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all bottles.
1.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
2.Warning : Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
wanker.
3.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
4.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
5.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your clothes.
6.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
7.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess
mystical Kung Fu
powers.
8.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you
can't remember).
9.Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.
10.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones
appearing in your home.
11. Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
12.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people
are laughing with you.
13.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may
seem to literally disappear.
14.Warning : Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Please ensure all fellow staff members are made aware of these pending
alterations to our Liquor Licensing Laws.
|
|
|
